Not An Auspicious Omen

So I entered a contest to win a free copy of the digital version of Gloomhaven on Steam. It seemed like a cinch. There were only 89 contestants in total and the top 10 vote getters would get a free game.

I got 1 vote.

To be honest things didn’t go well from the start. The task was to create a Road Event card for the game in a word document or some other similar format and upload it to their website. I came up with what I thought was a good one. Even did some research to make sure the options for the player adhered to the rules because some of my ideas were a little experimental.

But the real problem was that the voting wasn’t based on my actual card but on a text blurb that you submitted at the same time. In true Homer Simpson fashion I didn’t realize that. I did put up an extremely lazy description figuring surely my true genius would be recognized by those who then perused the card text itself. Nope.

Here was my admittedly haphazard entry:

The Loathly Lady

From the Sir Gawain era stories. Travelers come upon an ugly hag who is not really what she seems

And here was the top entry with 24 votes:

A DOWNED TRAVELER

Upon approaching a clearing you see someone sitting hunched beneath a tree. He beckons you over for help.

Without actually reading the text on the proposed card how could anybody tell if one was better than the other? Surely their staff could recognize my ability better than a bunch of game playing peasants and a cabal of their friends. I ALMOST published a board game. That has to count for something. Right? In the immortal words of Karl Wofschtagg: “This is an outrage.”

But seriously, I wish the winners well. Here is my entire entry. If I had know for certain it would be for just the physical game and not the digital I was going to work in more swap with the player to your left mechanics to be a real fun time. You would need to play test that though.

Just for the record, I’m not a very good Gloomhaven player. I don’t even own the physical game and I’m not well versed in the rules. It’s the same story for all my board game excursion nowadays. I watch a lot of youtube videos of other people playing and like to read over the rules. For a hermit like me, that’s a lot more convenient.

The Loathly Lady

You are traveling down a lonely stretch of road when you run into a patch of dense fog. Suddenly, you hear singing off to the side of the road. Entranced by the strange melody lilting on the wind you leave the road to investigate.

The mist becomes even more dense as you move toward the source of the siren-like song. You see something glowing just a short distance ahead and then the fog lifts; you find yourself in a clearing.

There is a grotesquely ugly “loathly lady” sitting on a log stirring a small pot over a fire with a large wooden spoon. You shudder in revulsion but can only think, Dear God what is that thing.

Then you get a whiff of whatever is in the pot. It makes your stomach turn. Laying on the ground at her feet is a small wooden alms bowl. You see the flash of gold coins laying within.

 “I’ve been waiting for you. Won’t you join me for some stew? You can pay with a kiss or a piece of gold.”

Option A: Each player gives a kiss to the loathly lady.

Option B: Pay a single gold piece each and consume a bowl of stew.

Option C: Steal the gold that is lying in the bowl and run.

Option D: Bow politely, then run for your life.

A. How bad could it be. You each close your eyes and give the loathly lady a peck on the lips. You taste peppermint. Brute: Gain 3 XP, Scoundrel: Gain Invisible for next 3 rounds, Cragheart: Gain Strength for next 3 rounds. Tinkerer: Gain a random item design. All Others: Heal 2.

B. You all gobble down the stew. Then you feel weird. Each player swaps a random ability card with the player on their left for the next scenario.

C. You take the money and run. You hear a voice singing softly behind you. Run, run as fast as you can. You won’t escape me, that’s not in my plans. Each player is cursed and gains 1 gold piece.

D. You careen wildly through the enshrouding mist bumping off trees and rocks. Eventually you all reach the road and begin laughing hysterically. No Effect

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